Feeling 3x worse than before I hammered on the kids. Build up and relief of anger rarely feels good.
I KNOW the girls can see the build up, as I move, sometimes over the course of _days_ from reasonable, nice, conciliatory, consensus seeking to upset, sad, frustrated, and vocally angry. Temper still as short as when I was a shortie.
Just as I can see when each of them is getting upset at something. Yet these build-ups that we should know in each other, it’s like they won’t watch out for each other, for all of us. It’s all about watching out for self, making sure that “I” get enough cookies, the best job in the chore, a fair number of turns on the swing. It’s never about “let’s all watch out for each other” and in that way we make sure everyone is taken care of.
Same thing that frustrated me and made me sad and mad as a kid — people can perceive that something is wrong with another person, and don’t do very much to figure out what is up and help make everything a bit better. People could spend their energy making sure that everyone gets enough cookies, instead of keeping score and making sure that, at least, “my pocket” is full. Acting as if there is a scarcity of love and compassion.
So, I vocalize (over minutes, hours, days) that I am getting frustrated, that I am sad at being left with all the work while they play, and all that. Finally I get to the point where I am mad, shouty, and calling out behavior as unacceptable, bad, bratty, whiny, etc. Only then do I actually get some change in behaviour that is sufficient to get done what needs to be done. Being punishment based, it is not long lasting and the backlash is painful.
Then each time, the cycle starts over again. I remind, “We don’t want to get to where we’re mad at each other, right? So let’s just do these chores when we are supposed to and not have them hanging over our heads.” Then I roll up my sleeves and pitch right in, no matter what other top priority thing I have in hands, I pitch in to show them that we just need to start working and then soon the work will be done.
And most of the time, we go through the cycle again and again. The whole time I point out, “We’re doing that thing again, don’t we want to stop? Can’t we stop?”
Except for the times where my emotions get ahead of me, but it doesn’t seem to matter. Whether my temper seems to come out of left field or whether I’ve carefully laid the tracks in advance and pointed out the trouble junctions, it always seems to end with my rushing at them like an express train, them staring at me like deer caught on the tracks in the headlight of my engine.
Life: equal parts bitter, sweet, sour, salty, spicy, rich, and the pungency of the umami.
Who knew it all lies on the bed of our tongue? Blah.